Its been over a month since Joe and I split up. I think I am doing ok. I had my moments, and still do sometimes. Sometimes I get so flipping lonely that I want to tear my hair out and scream. I am assuming that is pretty normal post break up behavior. I have been spending more time with my mom and brother lately. I went to my moms for dinner after work yesterday and had a really good time. I miss that.

I realized the other day that I had withdrawn from a lot of things BEFORE Joe and I split....I wondered why and did some self reflection and realized that I did it because I wanted to avoid fighting with Joe after he got drunk. You see, Joe in an alcoholic. I knew that a long time ago. He knew it too and told me once that he was worried that he would turn into his father. I tried to support him, tried to get him into AA or something similar. He wouldn't do it. I had no idea what to do in a situation like that except try and avoid situations where there might be alcohol present. Which was hard as all our friends and family drink socially.

I completely lost my taste for alcohol during all of this. I would avoid going to see my fave local band, Forever Gypsy, avoided going to parties and events with my friends, just so we wouldn't fight. He never knew when to stop drinking and when I was ready to go, or told him he had enough, he would get mad and act like a fricking child and it was soooo embarassing and frustrating and scary. I never knew what to do, I couldn't calm him down for anything and in the end he usually got his way, or we had a screaming match and we would drive away squealing the tires on our blazer and stay away for an hour or so...so to make a long story short (too late, lol) I had withdrawn a lot. Its hard to get back in the swing of things. Saturday I went to a bar to see the band play and I was tense for a lot of it until I realized what I was doing. I was waiting for a fight that wasn't going to come. So I relaxed and started dancing a bit with my bar friends. It was nice and I'm glad that I was able to loosen up a bit.

I still miss Joe and probably always will a little bit as he was my first serious relationship and my first love, but I think I will miss the IDEA of what I thought he was, not who he really was deep down. Its going to take me awhile, but I am healing and feeling a bit better every day.