God I am so pissed right now! Last night my phone rang, and I didn't answer it cos I didn't recognize the number...they left a voice mail but I didn't feel like checking it at the time....this morning I got another phone call from the same number but they DIDN'T leave a message, so I checked the voice mail from last night and it was my sperm donor of a father...I couldn't understand the whole message, but I got that he wanted me to call him back....uh no thanks. Not gonna happen. I also wondered how he got the number, since after what happened at Christmas I didn't think my grandma would have given it to him....turns out my OWN BROTHER gave him my number! I am so pissed right now its not funny! He KNOWS how Jerry affects me! HE KNOWS! He has hugged me while I cried over him more than once! He protected me from the wicked step mother in Florida! I just don't get it!

My brother told me he wanted to wish me a happy birthday, even though my birthday isn't till the 13th...and that he misses us...if the bastard misses us, he would make more of a freaking effort to be a father, not random phone calls every few months, or hell, even every few years...

UGGG! I am even madder at myself for letting him get to me like this! EVERY SINGLE TIME! I just want to scream!

Went to the doc...did some blood work....im diabetic....luckily I am not insulin dependent at this time...my blood pressure is fine...waiting on the results for my cholestrol and tyroid...gotta go see a dietician...not happy about this...

also back on my prozac..upped the dosage though...right now I dont have much of an appetite..which is helpful...doesnt last though...trying to find energy to exercise...

thats all for an update now.....hopefully i will be motivated to do a real post soon...

night!

Just read Rains latest post.....it felt familiar....I too am getting back on some kind of meds...I have doc appointment on the 9th....I also just haven't been feeling physically good...very tired all the time...taking naps and going back to sleep a few hours after I get up from the nap....sleeping later and going to bed earlier....its horrible...I feel like all I do is sleep anymore....

I think my blood sugar is outta wack...I am dizzy a lot...having to pee alot...and I just feel weird....I know my blood sugar is messed up...my last doc put me on meds but she was WACKO...diagnosing me with stuff without any tests, so I dropped her....had to find a new one and it was HARD. No one was accepting new patients.....

I have been craving warm, sunny weather so much I dream about it....I dream of standing my back yard in shorts and a tank top with Molly playing...Its about 75 degrees, nice warm breeze, sun shining on me...I could almost smell the warmth. I don't think I have ever craved spring/summer so much before. Maybe its cos of all the bullshit going on in my life right now...so much stress, drama, money worries, job worries....health worries...maybe the craving for spring is just a craving for CHANGE of any kind. Sometimes I just want to lay down and go to sleep and not wake up until something GOOD has happened. Sometimes I just want to give up completely.

I am so FUCKING LONELY sometimes it's not funny. I have my roommate, who is great, and I have my mom and other family but they don't fill the void Joe left. Sometimes I feel so empty....so empty and lonely. I crave physical contact...not sex (though I do miss that) but holding hands, and hugging and cuddling....and kisses...I miss kisses...even the little pecks on the cheek...I miss em so much. I don't miss Joe exactly....just miss the good moments I had with him....I wish I could find someone else to share my love with....someone sweet, and goofy...someone not afraid to be themselves...someone that doesnt use drugs and drink a lot...someone not afraid to be affectionate...who is trustworthy and reliable...just someone....


Last Saturday marked 7 FUCKING YEARS since my grandma passed away....I miss her....


Now that I am done depressing everyone..I'm going to bed....