Holy Crap, it's been 6 MONTHS!!!!

I am so so so so so sorry I have been absent from my blog for so long, though it does look like I wasn't the only one that wasn't updating very often. I would like to say that things have been crazy, but really I don't have much to talk about. I have mostly been keeping to myself. My 30th birthday was pretty uneventful. I went down to our VFW. My brother made me a sugar free cake in the shape of a flutterby. I don't remember if I told you all I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I have it completely under control though. I take metformin daily, along with my prozac. I had my doctor up my dosage. I was sooooo sick and tired. My sugar was completely out of control, to the point where I was was so dizzy I had trouble keeping my balance. I was tired and I could barely make myself get up and go to work in the morning. But that has changed. I am still a homebody, but I like to go out occassionaly. I just prefer to have quiet evenings at home, with my dogs and cats. Yes, you read that right, dogs. I took in a 17 year old pomeranian mix after his owner was put in a nursing home with dementia. He is half blind and half deaf and has arthritis in his back legs and hips, but he is still so full of spirit. His name is Peanut, but I call him Bubbers....he doesnt respond to either though, lol. I have to clap my hands to get his attention. He is such a sweet boy! He holds his own with Molly and still plays with me. He prances and trots around and barks for my attention and sometimes he even runs around outside. I will post a pic of him at the bottom of this post.

The one year anniversary of me and Joe splitting up came and went and I didn't even realize it till almost a week later. I haven't seen him since before Christmas and havent heard from him since I think around January. Don't know where he is, don't really care. Except to get the blazer back from him.

I got my learners permit and I am finally driving. I bought a van from my Aunt Nita and Uncle Jim. Got it insured and titled and plated and I can take my drive test the end of this month.

I also applied to go back to school. It wont be for awhile though. Gotta get some financial stuff worked out first, but I got the process started at least.

Still renting a house with my bestie Dustin. We got along for the most part, though sometimes I want to murder him in his sleep. No, we are not dating. I get asked the question a lot lately. I guess people still find it unusual for men and women to just be friends. We have lived together for over a year, and have been friends for even longer. It's a good, easy friendship and I wouldnt want to ruin it by doing something I know we would regret.

Well, thats about it. I am still working in my customer service job. Work is pretty damn slow, very very scary. After the federal tax went up on the cigs and our ecomomy went in the shitter, convenience stores and cig shops started closing up left and right, and the ones that didnt downgraded. I worry constanly about my losing my job. I am cross trained so that helps, but still.....

Missed you all!!!!

Happy Mommy's Day to all you wonderful moms in the blogging world!!!!

Things are going a bit better for me...work sucks, but then its work so it always sucks. One of the ladies in my department got fired for being rude to the customers, so I took over her responsibilities. Its a lot of work, more so for me because I am learning as I go and some of the stuff she does, no one knows the procedures for it, so I'm playing it by ear. I am also still helping in the computer room, doing invoicing and stuff sometimes, and that really stresses me out, but I keep telling myself, at least I still have a job.


My diabetes is almost under control. My sugar is never over 180, and while that is still a bit high, its waaaay better than it was before. I am feeling much better, have more energy and I am also in a better mood (most of the time). I am back on my prozac which helps. I have also lost 6 lbs in two weeks. I don't go back to my doc for another three months, and my goal is to have lost at least another 20 lbs by then. Hopefully more. I have quit drinking pop, and I sure do miss my mountain dew, but I feel so much better that its a pretty damn good trade off.

My birthday was great. I managed to not break down at turning 30. It was a close one though, when I checked my mailbox on Monday (my bday) and found coupons for huggies diapers. I turned a childless 30 and they send me Huggies coupons?? WTF??!!! I almost threw them away, but remember a great lady I work with is having a baby boy soon, so I took them to her. Figured she can stock pile before the baby gets here in August, lol...

I had to have my brother tell Sperm Donor to quit calling me, so I haven't heard from since. He called me 4 times. My grandma didn't say anything, so he either didn't tell her, or she understands.

I went to our VFW post for my party. My lil brother bartends, and my mom brought food and my brother made me a reduced sugar cake in the shape of a butterfly. It was pretty and very yummy. Friends and family came down and we sang karaoke and I checked out my lil brothers hot best friend and we all had a good time. Good food, good music, good friends and hot guys, what more can you ask for???

My sis Brandi took me out to lunch the Friday before my bday, to Penn Station Subs...very yummy...after we ate we just sat and talked, then came back to my place and talked and played with Molly. A very good day. I miss spending time with her.

So all in all things have gone a lot better for me than the last few months have. Now I just need to find me a sweet, hot guy to fall in love with, lol....

God I am so pissed right now! Last night my phone rang, and I didn't answer it cos I didn't recognize the number...they left a voice mail but I didn't feel like checking it at the time....this morning I got another phone call from the same number but they DIDN'T leave a message, so I checked the voice mail from last night and it was my sperm donor of a father...I couldn't understand the whole message, but I got that he wanted me to call him back....uh no thanks. Not gonna happen. I also wondered how he got the number, since after what happened at Christmas I didn't think my grandma would have given it to him....turns out my OWN BROTHER gave him my number! I am so pissed right now its not funny! He KNOWS how Jerry affects me! HE KNOWS! He has hugged me while I cried over him more than once! He protected me from the wicked step mother in Florida! I just don't get it!

My brother told me he wanted to wish me a happy birthday, even though my birthday isn't till the 13th...and that he misses us...if the bastard misses us, he would make more of a freaking effort to be a father, not random phone calls every few months, or hell, even every few years...

UGGG! I am even madder at myself for letting him get to me like this! EVERY SINGLE TIME! I just want to scream!

Went to the doc...did some blood work....im diabetic....luckily I am not insulin dependent at this time...my blood pressure is fine...waiting on the results for my cholestrol and tyroid...gotta go see a dietician...not happy about this...

also back on my prozac..upped the dosage though...right now I dont have much of an appetite..which is helpful...doesnt last though...trying to find energy to exercise...

thats all for an update now.....hopefully i will be motivated to do a real post soon...

night!

Just read Rains latest post.....it felt familiar....I too am getting back on some kind of meds...I have doc appointment on the 9th....I also just haven't been feeling physically good...very tired all the time...taking naps and going back to sleep a few hours after I get up from the nap....sleeping later and going to bed earlier....its horrible...I feel like all I do is sleep anymore....

I think my blood sugar is outta wack...I am dizzy a lot...having to pee alot...and I just feel weird....I know my blood sugar is messed up...my last doc put me on meds but she was WACKO...diagnosing me with stuff without any tests, so I dropped her....had to find a new one and it was HARD. No one was accepting new patients.....

I have been craving warm, sunny weather so much I dream about it....I dream of standing my back yard in shorts and a tank top with Molly playing...Its about 75 degrees, nice warm breeze, sun shining on me...I could almost smell the warmth. I don't think I have ever craved spring/summer so much before. Maybe its cos of all the bullshit going on in my life right now...so much stress, drama, money worries, job worries....health worries...maybe the craving for spring is just a craving for CHANGE of any kind. Sometimes I just want to lay down and go to sleep and not wake up until something GOOD has happened. Sometimes I just want to give up completely.

I am so FUCKING LONELY sometimes it's not funny. I have my roommate, who is great, and I have my mom and other family but they don't fill the void Joe left. Sometimes I feel so empty....so empty and lonely. I crave physical contact...not sex (though I do miss that) but holding hands, and hugging and cuddling....and kisses...I miss kisses...even the little pecks on the cheek...I miss em so much. I don't miss Joe exactly....just miss the good moments I had with him....I wish I could find someone else to share my love with....someone sweet, and goofy...someone not afraid to be themselves...someone that doesnt use drugs and drink a lot...someone not afraid to be affectionate...who is trustworthy and reliable...just someone....


Last Saturday marked 7 FUCKING YEARS since my grandma passed away....I miss her....


Now that I am done depressing everyone..I'm going to bed....

It warms my heart to know that there ARE people out there that aren't only thinking of themselves.....

TORONTO — Fishermen and a teenage boy from an eastern Canadian town rescued three exhausted dolphins that had been trapped behind drifting pack ice for nearly a week, the wife of the town's mayor said Friday.

Sadie May said the men cut a path through the sludgy ice in Newfoundland's Seal Cove harbor with their 18-foot trawler Thursday night, freeing the dolphins from an oval-shaped hole in the ice they had been swimming in for days.

Two dolphins followed the open channel immediately, but the third was too weak and tired, May said.

"He could barely swim about, the little guy, and the men knew something had to be done. A kid, 17 years old with a survival suit, jumped into the water and the dolphin just kind of attached to him and wrapped his flippers around him, like a friend or a mate," the mayor's wife told The Associated Press.

The teenager, Brandon Banks, helped tow the animal to open water, where it swam away, said May.

The 8-foot-long animals somehow became separated from the open Atlantic Ocean and had been stuck in the ice-filled harbor since the beginning of the week. They survived in a shrinking hole in the ice that was roughly 100 feet by 650 feet.

Residents of Seal Cove, a community of 400, were kept awake by the sounds of the crying dolphins and feared the mammals would die.

The mayor asked the federal Fisheries Department to send an icebreaker, but the department said none were available.

"In the end, it wasn't experts or the government, it was us, the people, who made the decision to rescue them," said May. "In Newfoundland, you don't think about yourselves, you think about others and this time, we were just thinking that we couldn't let these dolphins die."

The dolphins are regular visitors to the waters around Seal Cove, which is about 400 miles northwest of Newfoundland's capital city St. John's.

My cousins three kids (Briana, Ally and RJ) and my mom are coming over Saturday for a little Valentines party....Valentines Day is a hard day for me...not so much because I'm alone (though that does suck donkey balls) but because it was the last time I saw my grandma alive....February 21st will be 7 years since I lost my grandma....it is a little bit easier than when she first died, but it still hurts so much. Its kinda like the hurt platoued. (sp?) Its not as raw as it was, but it still hurts so much. I think about her on a regular basis. Maybe not every day, but still a lot. She helped raise me, and while we did have our differences and we fought a lot, I still loved her so much!

My living grandparents, my dads parents, are so fucking old it scared me. My grandma is 82 and my grandpa is 81 and they are looking it lately. It scares me so much to think of losing them too. And this time of the year it hits me harder than ever.

Anyhoo, the kids and my mom are coming over and we are gonna make cookies and pizza and goof off and have fun. I'm looking forward to it. Briana is 11, Ally is 10 and RJ is 7. They are good kids. They fight a lot, and can be a major pain in my butt, but they are good kids. A couple weekends ago I took Ally and RJ to McDonalds so they could play in the play place. Something so simple made them so happy...I couldn't believe it!

They take my mind off my problems for awhile and they don't even realize it. They're magic! LOL....

On another note, Molly was scheduled to get spayed today and the little brat went into her first heat yesterday. Now I have to wait 8 more weeks before she can be fixed. I have to keep a very close eye on her when I take her out to do her business cos there are two Min Pins two houses down that are NOT neutered! Those would be some UGLY puppies!!!

Well, I leave you with a cutsie pic of my Molly Moo Moo! She always makes my day brighter!

ya know whats been kinda irritating me lately?? its not anything serious, but it really bugs me...

this ebonics bull crap the young kids have been using lately...i mean, when i change the spelling on a word, its to shorten it...but whats with the way kids spell things lately??

my cousin spells stuff on her myspace page all weird and crap....baYbee for baby, yew for you...stuff like that... i am not a damn tree!...bugs the crap outta me...im constantly trying to decipher her messages when she sends me stuff....does anyone else have this problem, and am i getting old cos of it???

Remember how I said I was scared about what would happen next at work in my last blog??

Well they cut our hours down to 36 a week...its shitty and I am not happy about it, but I have to be grateful that I still have a job. If I get laid off, I have to move in with big brother and I don't want to do that....

Not only did they cut our hours, but for the next two months at least, I have to pretty much work at my old job. They shifted a whole bunch of crap around and we are only delivering product 3 days a week versus 4 so we are gonna be busier....I have to work 10.5 hours a day, 4 days a week...on the bright side I get my Fridays off back for awhile....

Life sucks sometimes. But I still have a job (repeat repeat repeat repeat.......)

Holy Cow! Its been awhile since I updated. I think that is the norm in blog world though...its been crazy hectic lately, because of the holidays...I'm so glad they are over! I don't think I would get all stressed out if everyone else would act at least a little bit sane. I don't understand why everyone is so rude and mean and inconsiderate during the holidays. They are supposed to be a time of joy, but everyone always seems so miserable. I just don't get it. Probably never will.

On the work front, they laid 7 people off and I am a bit scared of what will happen next. We also closed one of our small warehouses in Fort Wayne. I was hoping for a raise with my new position, but I'm scare to ask. Right now, I am just happy I have a job at all! Customer Service is pretty nice. It's a bit slow right now, but that works since I am still learning some aspects of the job, and it's easier to learn when things aren't so crazy. I know things will pick back up this summer. Maybe not as busy as summer time usually is, but I think things will pick back up. Hopefully the people that got laid off will get their jobs back soon. I still have to go back to my old job twice a week, at least until summer break. I don't care much for it, but again, at least I still have a job.

Money is pretty darn tight. Luckily Dustin's (my roommate) parents are understanding and very generous and they work with us. My gas bill was 200.00 this month and I almost cried. They paid the bill and we are making payments to them on it. I got my w-2s back and filed my taxes already. I am filing bankruptsy with my tax check. I have too many doctor bills and credit cards and I am tired of the constant calls threatening to garnish my wages.

My brother offered to let me move into his house, but I don't want to do that unless I have no other option. I love my house. It's small, but its on a quiet street and I have a large back yard and I am as happy as I can be here. Molly can run and play and she loves it here too. My cats are happy. They sit and look outside all day long and seem very content. I get along well with my roommate and while money is tight, we are making it work.

I am still pretty lonely. I have no life right now, lol....I work and come home. I play with Molly, surf the net and watch t.v. I miss Joe something awful some days, but then other times, I am glad he is gone. I guess that is also part of the healing....I wish that things could be resolved I guess. He won't talk to me about it at all....he just packed his stuff and left...like he was glad that I have him a reason to leave....and maybe thats true...maybe he wanted to leave...he sure could have gone about it a better way. He kept denying everything...even when I had proof of the drug use, he just kept saying it was a lie....and that the women he talked to were "just his friends". Its so frustrating because I haven't gotten any closure. He just up and left....no explination, nothing....GRRRR!!!!

Oh well...I know I am better off....wish I could find someone so I am not so lonely though.